I was born straight into a broken home. One parent was diagnosed with schizophrenia, battled demons (literally), depression, and drug addiction. The other parent abused prescription drugs and I suspect molestation and who had absolutely no idea what is was to love herself, let alone a child. My mom was 23 when she had me. I don’t know the entire story and I am sure I never will, but shortly thereafter – she became a single mom. My dad lived in Puerto Rico for a couple years, but my grandma (his mom) would pick me up sometimes so that I could have a relationship with his side of the family. I still remember the day he came back to NJ and they introduced me to him. I was so confused, and at roughly 6 years old, had no idea how to even feel. It was fun while it lasted. But because my mom and dad could never get along, my mom turned into this “baby mama” and completely just removed him from my life all together. My mom was a workaholic, and although when I was really young she spent a bit more time with me, as I got older, she would stay at work for about 12 hours and even when she was home, it was obvious she didn’t care much about connecting.
I remember being with someone who I swore up & down I could help change but instead it only sucked the life out of me in the process. I was so focused on helping him that I lost sight of me & what God was trying to do in my life. I knew deep down it was time to let go but I refused to. I felt I could speed up the process by “helping” God. I would ask family & friends to pray for him. I would send him links to all these different sermons/messages I found on YouTube. Send him scriptures. I would pray & negotiate with God – Yes! I said negotiate – I would tell God I’d do this or that if only He would change his heart & help him see things for what they truly were but the one who needed to see things for what they were & who needed a heart change was ME!! Of course my ex did also but I was much more concerned about him that I didn’t realize how I needed to focus on me & my relationship with God. Here I was entertaining a relationship that I clearly knew (but refused to accept) wasn’t pleasing God.
“She focused on God. He did the same. God gave them each other.” ✝️💕
1-27-16 After waiting a year and six months… OUR FIRST KISS 💕
Don’t be fooled when I met this man I was a broken, beat down, lost soul…I had given my heart to yet another “boy” (age does not make you a man) who did not value me… Once he had me where he wanted me, I was manipulated, used, and abused…Time after time I would “walk away” from this relationship just to run right back… I knew deep inside that I needed to close the door on this toxic relationship, but deception (the enemies tool) would distort my vision, and I continued to believe “things would change”…Things def did not change.. However what did change was my decision to finally cry out to God for his help ( sad that I placed him last) I clearly remember kneeling in my bathroom hysterical crying/yelling telling God he can finally have his way in my life…I no longer wanted to go through life without his hand… Once I gave God control he was able to begin his work in my heart and mind (God is a gentleman he will not force himself on anyone. He allows the choice to be ours)