I came across this song today on my playlist & I was reminded of the day I heard it for the first time. I had this song on repeat for 2 days straight because I resonated with it so much. That same day I had taken some time to journal & I remember telling God, “Take me deeper, Lord.” I desired to know Him deeply & intimately. I felt as though I had only known Him on a surface level but I wanted to go deeper. Mannnnn, I didn’t realize how bold of a statement that was when I made it.
I was anticipating for 2019 to be an amazing year despite how 2018 ended but instead it was the most challenging year thus far. It wasn’t until recently that I felt a shift finally take place in my mind, my heart & in my spirit.
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I was born straight into a broken home. One parent was diagnosed with schizophrenia, battled demons (literally), depression, and drug addiction. The other parent abused prescription drugs and I suspect molestation and who had absolutely no idea what is was to love herself, let alone a child. My mom was 23 when she had me. I don’t know the entire story and I am sure I never will, but shortly thereafter – she became a single mom. My dad lived in Puerto Rico for a couple years, but my grandma (his mom) would pick me up sometimes so that I could have a relationship with his side of the family. I still remember the day he came back to NJ and they introduced me to him. I was so confused, and at roughly 6 years old, had no idea how to even feel. It was fun while it lasted. But because my mom and dad could never get along, my mom turned into this “baby mama” and completely just removed him from my life all together. My mom was a workaholic, and although when I was really young she spent a bit more time with me, as I got older, she would stay at work for about 12 hours and even when she was home, it was obvious she didn’t care much about connecting.
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If I can be honest, sometimes the last thing on my mind when I’m angry or upset at someone who is evil, malicious or just out to get me is to ask God to bless him or her. My initial reaction would be to confront them & speak my mind but I have found that hasn’t always been the wisest thing to do. There have been times when I would act on impulse only to feel horrible & regret it shortly after – other times, my pride & stubborn ways wouldn’t allow me to feel bad for days. Just being honest. I’m sure I’m not the only one who can relate; however, the good thing is that I acknowledge it & it’s not something I’m proud of.
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