I came across this song today on my playlist & I was reminded of the day I heard it for the first time. I had this song on repeat for 2 days straight because I resonated with it so much. That same day I had taken some time to journal & I remember telling God, “Take me deeper, Lord.” I desired to know Him deeply & intimately. I felt as though I had only known Him on a surface level but I wanted to go deeper. Mannnnn, I didn’t realize how bold of a statement that was when I made it.

I was anticipating for 2019 to be an amazing year despite how 2018 ended but instead it was the most challenging year thus far. It wasn’t until recently that I felt a shift finally take place in my mind, my heart & in my spirit.

Last summer, I made the decision to officially de-activate my FB & IG (temporarily). I had done so in 2018 but I would uninstall it only to go on the web browser & be consumed by social media the entire day. I felt like an addict who would sneak around to get their fix only to come back for more after a few hrs. That’s insane, right? Well that’s what it felt like for me. It was a toxic relationship I was having with myself. Anytime I would go on I thought less of myself because I would constantly compare my life, my family, my relationship with the Lord, my gifts, skills, personality, & etc to those I would come across on my newsfeed or when I would scroll my day away on IG. It was then when I realized that the problem wasn’t social media & that this had been going on way before social media became a thing! I had been battling with self-worth & people-pleasing ever since I was a little girl. I was bullied in elementary school & I became my parents mediator at a very young age. Anytime they would argue & gave each other the silent treatment, they would have me deliver a message to one another & I felt responsible of delivering the message in a not-so mean kind of way & try to get them to speak again. That’s a lot to put on a child. That is where I believe all of this stemmed from.

After uninstalling FB & IG, I took it a step further & uninstalled WhatsApp. Why you may ask? I really didn’t understand it then but in hindsight it was God’s way of stripping me away from the people & things that I felt validated by. He wanted me to recognize that I am incapable of finding my identity, confidence & purpose outside of Him. He began to deal with the issues of my heart: the need to be validated, accepted & affirmed by others. And He did it so graciously.

In March of 2019, I started a new job. The way I landed the job & the transition of it all is a testimony within itself but I will share it on a later post. This job required me to work really late hours so I wasn’t as available as I once was to my friends who I would constantly be in contact with on a daily basis. I was always tempted to give an explanation for why I couldn’t respond to their messages as quickly as I normally would or to apologize if they felt like I had been distant but God would check me the moment I would grab my phone to do so. Not only was this job an adjustment for me but also being a mother of a toddler & 11 year old. God had been dealing with me on all different levels.

During this time, I recognized that I would constantly speak & think so poorly of myself. I believe everything I faced in 2019 was all in preparation for who I am becoming & where He is leading me to. Just as I requested of Him to take me deeper, He did just that & He continues to do so. He has taken me deeper in truth, obedience & love. God has given me the grace to come to the end of myself & be transformed into Christ’s likeness. I am constantly having to renew my mind on a daily basis through His Word & unlearn past behaviors & thought patterns. Discipline at it’s finest.

And isn’t it true that we respect our earthly fathers even though they corrected and disciplined us? Then we should demonstrate an even greater respect for God, our spiritual Father, as we submit to his life-giving discipline. Our parents corrected us for the short time of our childhood as it seemed good to them. But God corrects us throughout our lives for our own good, giving us an invitation to share his holiness. Now all discipline seems to be more pain than pleasure at the time, yet later it will produce a transformation of character, bringing a harvest of righteousness and peace to those who yield to it.
So be made strong even in your weakness by lifting up your tired hands in prayer and worship. And strengthen your weak knees, for as you keep walking forward on God’s paths all your stumbling ways will be divinely healed! – Hebrews 12:9-12 (TPT)

I began my journey with the Lord in 2010 & what a journey it has been but no matter how challenging, painful, uncomfortable or how lonely it may feel at times – I am always comforted by His Word & simply being in His Presence. I pray it does the same for you no matter what you may be facing.

For we have the living Word of God, which is full of energy, and it pierces more sharply than a two-edged sword. It will even penetrate to the very core of our being where soul and spirit, bone and marrow meet! It interprets and reveals the true thoughts and secret motives of our hearts – Hebrews 4:12 (TPT)

As always, thank you so much for allowing me to share my heart with you. I pray the Lord will meet you right where you are & fill your heart with an overflow of His love, joy & peace.